Hey. Before I start going off, I would like to greet anyone who's reading this a happy holiday.
So I haven't been writing journals concerning my life recently unlike before. As to why that is, it's because the last time I checked my journal entries here, I realized that majority of it is pretty darn depressing and then I thought that I should just stop. If I wasn't going to share anything particularly positive then I should at least restrain myself from spreading my negativity.
And I guess you can infer by now that the negativity never really stopped. Each day, it eats away from me. I suffer bouts of anxiety. On some days, it's much better. But the negativity still remains as an encompassing shroud around me.
There was a time I contemplated suicide. I was still very much afraid of taking my own life but I did research. I now have a plan of action if ever things become really hurtful.
I didn't really contemplate it again though.
So I'm a bit better now. Life still feels a bit bland and I still don't get my existence.
But I guess it's nice that at least there are times like this when I feel normal being messed up.
It's not that I don't think depression is not an illness. I do. But at least reading about how my entire generation is pretty much set up to feel this way makes the whole thing lighter.
It sucks. We want our lives to be ideal. Yet a bunch of us don't even know what ideal entails. A bunch of us don't feel like they have what it takes to even try. A bunch of us don't want to feel the hurt and the failure.
That's definitely what's been constantly plaguing me.
It sucks.
But it's reality.
And reality is meant to suck a lot. Sure there are good times too but there are also really bad times. And by bad, I don't even mean that there has to be a specific trauma. Just feeling like nothing is progressing in your life can already be pretty bad for a lot.
It sucks that even as I'm saying this, I still don't feel mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with all this.
But that is what human lives about.
It really can't be all sunshine and rainbows.
If it was, then it wouldn't be a life in this specific reality.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't have to be happy all the time. There is no perfection in this world. We'll always be constantly failing. So when the failure bites you in the face, just remember that it's the same for everyone even if most people don't usually announce this to the public. And then maybe -- just maybe you'll feel a bit less anxious and depressed once you remember that.